Capitalizing on Conflict

We should use not only

all the brains we have,

but all that we can borrow. -Woodrow Wilson


Conflict signals the opportunity to learn. Your interpretation of another's behavior, message or intent may be correct, almost correct, or incorrect. Your conflicting point of view may be completely accurate, or may need to be updated.

One of the most impactful responses to conflict is listening.

When you recognize a discussion is entering the realm of conflict:

• Stop listening for correctness, or opportunities for rebuttal, and start listening for meaning.

• Summarize, in your own words, the other person's point of view. Ask if you heard it right.

• Wait for an answer. Make sure that a person that starts a sentence gets to end it.

• Don't give up if you don't get it right at first. The greater the distance between your mindsets the greater the opportunity for learning ... and the harder you may have to work.

• Ask what you got right, and what's off base.

• Pay attention to your emotions. A strong response to a conflicting point of view signals that a deeply held belief is being tested or denied. Check to ensure your nonverbals and word choices are helpful.

• Identify what you're learning. Understanding the other point of view doesn't mean you agree with it, just that you're hearing what's meant.

Most of us listen better once we feel understood.

So in addition to creating the opportunity to learn something new, listening in this way increases the likelihood you will be heard in turn.